a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F