12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
The Onion called it…again.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”