You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.