teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Social distancing in Australia:
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
This is so me 😂😂
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.