Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight