Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?