When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.