My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The devil.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-