Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes