Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
#SCOTUS one-star review
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.