waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown