The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
that lip filler tho
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear