I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
accurate
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.