FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
🤣🤣🤣
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster