I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
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My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Love is always patient and kind.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?