I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
This is why I hate group projects
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.