waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”