WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Can Happiness buy money?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.