You Might Also Like
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Saw your ex at the shops
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.