We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms