Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I feel it
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I did not eat the cake…