MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.