(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You Might Also Like
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Check out the legs on this baby
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Only short people can save us
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct