cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams