Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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Not all heroes wear capes….
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!