i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
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There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.