“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Last-minute gift idea!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore