“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
That de-escalated quickly
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Fries, not lies.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
War & Peace
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.