[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
You Might Also Like
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond