You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My blood type is b hungry.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
How to wake up a Beagle