I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
reminder
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.