Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
saw this in a dream
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.