We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
They did not miss in the small print
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.