[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you