Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
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[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??