It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty