Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”