Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Miscakes
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?