“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Saturday
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.