Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs