dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
stop
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.