*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
They also CAN sing✌️
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?