wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!