My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
God has left this place
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.