Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
😏😏😏
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa