Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please