Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
So that’s what we looked like?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose