Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.