Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
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I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”