I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
You Might Also Like
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.